The Riddler And The Penguin Charged With Conspiracy And Kidnapping; Duo Faces Long Prison Terms Thanks To Batkid
SAN FRANCISCO/GOTHAM – Edward “E.” Nigma, aka, “The Riddler,” and Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot, aka, “The Penguin” were formally arrested today and charged with multiple counts of conspiracy and kidnapping for their all too familiar villainous ways in Gotham City, according to Melinda Haag, U.S. Attorney for the Northern District of California and FBI Special Agent in Charge David J. Johnson.
The unique and somewhat unprecedented indictment not only outlines the charges against “The Riddler” and “The Penguin” but it also includes a special thanks to a certain caped crusader who was pivotal in making this day a reality.
“We’ve been chasing Nigma and Cobblepot for years and just when I was about to give up hope that we would ever bring them to justice, wouldn’t you know it – Batkid shows up and saves the day,” said United States Attorney Melinda Haag. “I’ve been involved in some unbelievable cases and I’ve worked with some pretty remarkable law enforcement officers, but the bravery displayed by Batkid is off the charts. I’m absolutely certain that there is no villain this remarkable super-hero can’t defeat.”
According to the indictment, “The Penguin” and “The Riddler” thought it was a good idea to put an unnamed female in the path of a cable car, rob a bank, and kidnap San Francisco Giants mascot Lou Seal. Somehow they thought these latest stunts would go undetected by Batkid. However, at approximately 9 p.m. last night, the bat signal went up and predictably the crime rate began to go down in Gotham and San Francisco.
“I’ve talked a lot about cooperation in the past with other outstanding law enforcement partners, but I can honestly say we broke some new ground today,” said FBI Special Agent in Charge David J. Johnson. “The FBI and the San Francisco Police Department are good, but if it wasn’t for Batkid, I guarantee you that these two villains would still be at-large on the streets of Gotham today. Citizens of this great city are not only safer tonight because of Batkid, but they will undoubtedly be humbled by the courage he has displayed in battles he has taken on and won.”
The Assistant U.S. Attorneys all want to prosecute this case, and are currently drawing straws to see who will have the honor. This will presumably be the easiest case in U.S. Attorney history thanks to Batkid, who pretty much was able to not only capture the humanity of this great city, but was also able to capture all of the Riddler’s and Penguin’s crimes on video. The prosecution is the result of a multi-agency investigation led from a cave in a location we cannot disclose.
Please note, an indictment contains only allegations against a person and, as with all defendants, Edward “E.” Nigma, aka, “The Riddler,” and Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot, aka, “The Penguin” must be presumed innocent unless and until proven guilty.