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A Victim's Voice

Eyes Wide Open

Words from a Teenage Male Child Pornography Victim

Start of middle school my life went to hell,
No matter what I did I was stuck in my cell,
kicking, punching, yelling my heart out,
my head just filling with more doubt,
all the colors of the world faded away,
all cuz I was someones prey,
he came in the form of a 16 year old girl,
twisting his words to make my mind curl,
3 months of what seemed like fun,
thought that I’d be done,
photos I took exchanging for a surprise,
little did I know he was almost my demise,
I asked to stop,
I even begged while my tears drop,
finally realizing what he was,
A preditor, and I was his buz,
threatening to send my pics to my friends,
To this problem I saw no end,
months went by,
of doing things that made me want to die,
my body abused to what he made me do,
I dare not tell anyone what I’m going through,
to ashamed to show my face,
I put on a mask to show no emotional trace,
lying to everyone asking what was wrong,
“Oh nothing I’m just tired” was my song,
everydayon the computer Ihad no life,
I cut myself with a knife,
being forced to do things that made me cry,
everyday I wanted to say goodbye,
pics turned into videos he told me what to do,
he strung me along like a puppet I had life x2,
If I missed a day,
the next time for 3 hours longer I had to stay,
I was dead inside about no one I care,
everything good in life I was taught started to tear,
my heart was blackened and broke,
my suicide thoughts he would provoke,
suicide thought became reality as I wrote a note,
I put the rope around my throat,
praying that God would forgive me,
when I jumped my rope broke very easy,
I picked myself up and burned my letter,
I thought things would get better,
6 months now have gone by,
Everyday and night I kelp asking why,
my predicament got worse as he wanted more,
my bady become sore,
doing things to myself I would vumit,
each day I was forsed to top it,
I begged him to let me stop,
no hope seemed to have pop,
I loaded my dads gun put it to my head,
all I had to do was pull the trigger and bye dead,
when I pulled the trigger it wouldn’t fire,
the safety was on, but I still had a desire,
I switched it off and pulled again,
but for me this wasn’t the end,
there were no bullets in the chamber,
this was a sign I had to remember,
12 months now and still no sign of salvation,
I was praying that God would fill his starvation,
everyday was the same,
I kept playing into his game,
twisting and turning I couldn’t sleep,
my life was no longer important it was cheap,
tortured and hurt my body ment nothing
the light in my soul was going out,
it felt like no one could hear me shout,
just when I was giving up my mom read my text,
never would have guessed when happened next,
God was watching over me,
he heard my cry and my plea,
a quote outside a church made my mom look,
I was no longer on his hook,
pulled into my dads car,
my emotions broke out of the jar,
yelled at and questioned I cryed,
this situation to hard they tryed,
rushed to the police station we went,
I was intarigated to no extent,
charges I was threatened with,
my muscles got stiff,
they asked “how long has this gone on”,
a year and a half as I looked at a of his son,
I left the police station after 2 hours of pain,
I knew this would be a permant stain,
crying myself to sleep I hated myself,
I just stared at my book shelf,
Freshman year came and I joined soccer,
didn’t trust shocker,
went to therapy and couldn’t trust them,
my parents said I was a gem,
but I felt like an old pair of shoes,
I was used and abused,
I drank everynight,
I couldn’t stop not even with all my might,
I failed alegral and didn’t even care,
my soal it was abused past repair,
sophmore year came and I started smoking,
I lost 4 grandparents... you have to be joking,
I had friends and a loving family but,
this pain he left was deeper then any cut,
night past as nightmares kept coming,
my heart just kept numing,
ceramics is were I first truly opened my heart,
her name was ****** with her was were it starts,
my trust started to heal,
the hole in my life started to seal,
talking to her made me feel better,
I’am so happy I met her,
back rubs she gave calming me down,
when I was with her I could never frown,
I connected with her and felt my heart no longer is sore,
she was my bestfriend she really got to my core,
I tryed therapy again and it worked,
my mind slowly became unwrapped,
we both had a connection because we were the same,
we both were in a relationship so lame,
feelings for each other we both had,
I was to shy to act upon them it was bad,
junior year things changed I broke out of my shell,
I finally was no longer stuck in my cell,
trust came back,
I starten looking for the old ******,
month wat by new gfs and friends,
my happiness seemed to never end,
sadly I was wrong it was here again,
his face I saw in a picture my dad showed me,
my heart started to hurt like a sting from a bee,
senior year is here and the nightmares are back,
I’m losing the old ******,
my trial is December 6 thats when I see his face,
I cant’ wait to the end of the case,
me and my GF broke up the pain is back,
love is something I lack,
I was wrong again because there she was,
the girl that helped me trust people and my buz,
“******” I said,
I’m filled with dread,
I tell her my problems and I saw alittle smile,
I knew something would happen now it took awhile,
I kissed her an the first and asked her out on the 5th,
she said yes and that is when my heart started to lift,
the old ****** is back and I can finally see,
my eyes are wide open all because I trusted in me.

Note: The text appears exactly as written by the victim, except that all names have been redacted to protect the victim’s privacy.


Updated June 16, 2015